Dungeons & Dragons

Today, I’m going to do my best to not look back on the 2000 film, Dungeons & Dragons.

Here’s the thing, folks – I have almost written this review of Dungeons & Dragons roughly five times since I started this blog.

I don’t know what it is about this movie – there isn’t anything special about it in the slightest – but I get so damn bored every time I try to write this review, that I just can’t stick it out. It isn’t the worst movie. It isn’t even without some minor merit – Jeremy Irons is a absolute delight in his limited screen time – but I’ll be damned if my body and mind have never allowed me to finish this post.

Now, I’ve re-watched this movie roughly five times in the past four years – once for each half-assed attempt to review it. So, instead of doing that again, I’m just going to see what I can remember about this film without doing any research.

First, there’s Jeremy Irons – the mustache-twirler extraordinaire, who is pretty much the only reason to watch this movie in the first place, and who clearly had an absolute blast with his cut-and-paste villain character. I think he has some kind of magic, dragon-controlling staff.

I also specifically recall a comic relief character – with a name something like “Snails” – played by a Wayans or Wayans-esque comedic character actor. This is one of those characters that is supposed to bring levity to a drama-heavy adventure, but isn’t even remotely funny, making everything worse through  his existence. However, I also remember his character getting killed (though impermanently), which is certainly welcome.

Now, I definitely remember some sort of princess, who was effectively deposed by Irons’s character. I think it might have been Kevin Spacey’s kid from American Beauty? I certainly don’t remember her name, let alone her character’s name.

The protagonist is a complete blank for me. White, male, 6 foot. Shaggy hair? Slightly humorous personality? Rogue-ish? I also think there was another central party member – I think it was a highly competent woman warrior, but I don’t think she was the aforementioned princess. I don’t remember her connection to the rest of the plot, though. I also remember Tom Baker popping in briefly in a supporting role, which was kind of delightful.

Plot-wise, I definitely recall some kind of maze challenge that the central party had to solve, fulfilling the loose “dungeon” quota for the movie. I also recall the final set-piece with a bunch of rough CGI dragons flying around a tower, where Irons controls them with his magic staff, and where he is eventually defeated by the hero squad (and eaten by a dragon? Maybe?). There was also definitely a secondary, blue-lipped bad guy working for Irons, who got to do most of the general bad guy stuff throughout the movie.

Here’s the point, though – this movie is less interesting and memorable that 99% of D&D games that have occurred in the back room of your local comic shop. Games like Dungeons & Dragons are improvisational storytelling conduits, with an immense amount of entertainment potential. With the right improvisational comedic talent, it is a gold mine – just look at HarmonQuest or The Adventure Zone. Not only that, but there is plenty of potential for grand, dramatic fantasy adventures through the platform – though I don’t think that is the way to go to make a truly memorable D&D movie that captures the joy of the game. I could tell you more details about Gamma World campaigns I played 6 years ago than I could tell you about this movie I have seen an obscene amount of times.

What else is there to say about this movie? I think it has been rightfully cast out of our cultural memory – shunned by fans of the source, and passed over by everyone else. I definitely don’t recommend seeking it out – just Google images of Jeremy Irons in the movie, and you’ll get everything you need.