Tag Archives: paris hilton

IMDb Bottom 100: Nine Lives

Nine Lives


Mercifully, “Nine Lives” is the very last Paris Hilton movie I have to cover in the IMDb Bottom 100. I will need to double-check, but I am almost certain that she makes the most appearances of any actor in the list. Lucky for me (I suppose), her role is very minimal in “Nine Lives”. Unfortunately, the movie is still really bad even after her early departure (she is the first death in the movie).

oh good
oh good

Outside of Paris, these are the most British characters I have ever seen. As the movie says, they are “chap(s) of chaps” (that is an actual line). As it interestingly turns out, the nationalities of the characters come into play in the plot (which is actually one of the few strengths of the film).

The nine characters are introduced to the audience as they go on vacation in an inherited Scottish home of one of the their family’s. After way too many slow scenes of small talk, a mysterious snowstorm traps the entire party on the grounds. Killing time, one of the characters discovers an ancient book in the home’s library. If you are familiar with “The Evil Dead”, you should have an idea of where this goes.

I'm sure we will all get out of this just fine
I’m sure we will all get out of this just fine

As it turns out, the book is cursed by an ancient Scotsman who was the original keeper of the lands, but was executed by English who overran his home. For unclear reasons, this Scottish ghost is capable of possessing people, which leads to murderous shenanigans.

The possessions in this story reminded me slightly of “The Horror Express”, which I also recently reviewed on this blog. Not only is the possession transferred in a viral manner from person to person (whoever kills the host is subsequently possessed), but it is always indicated by the discoloration of the host’s eyes. In “Express”, red eyes indicated possession, whereas solid black eyes indicate it in “Nine Lives”. It doesn’t dramatically impact the quality of the film, but it was a small thing that I thought looked pretty good. Credit to where it is due.

ninelives3 horrorexpress2

The plot is pretty straightforward once the killings start: their numbers are progressively whittled down, until one three of them remain. At this point, they have figured out how the possession transfers, which creates an interesting scene after the last host is defeated. The character who has mortally wounded the host has to make the decision to kill herself in order to prevent the ghost from continuing its massacre, which would have been pretty cool for a better movie.

I had a lot of good things to say in this particular review, but I want to make something absolutely clear: this movie is insufferably boring. It is objectively one of the least horrible movies I have seen in the IMDb Bottom 100, but the pacing and execution of all of these otherwise pretty good ideas is extremely poor, which makes it all the more frustrating. In particular, it takes way too long to get going in the beginning, with a lot of unnecessary scenes of socializing. the movie also never manages to build a decent atmosphere, and none of the characters ever quite clicked as particularly relate-able to me. Without the investment in the characters or the buildup of dramatic tension, the movie just winds up being slow.

There is way too much of this
There is way too much of this

Overall, I don’t recommend this one. There is very little action or investment to be had in the film, and subsequently not much entertainment value. If the filmmakers hadn’t taken the story so seriously, I think some comic relief would have gone a long way towards humanizing some characters and breaking up the monotony. Still, this is without a doubt the best Paris Hilton movie in the Bottom 100.

I mentioned “Horror Express”, but there is another movie I was reminded of while watching this: “You’re Next”. It manages to execute on a couple of elements that I liked in “Nine Lives”, namely the claustrophobia of the setting and the fear of knowing that the villain is among your party. And, despite the Scottish ghost being supernatural, there were no additional powers given to the possessed, so the battles were always human vs human, another common element with “You’re Next”. So, if you are interested in the plot outline of “Nine Lives”, go throw “You’re Next” and “Horror Express” in a blender.

horrorexpress1 yourenext

Even after being pulverized in a blender together, they are both far better movies to watch than “Nine Lives”.

IMDb Bottom 100: The Hillz

The Hillz


“The Hillz” has been perhaps my least favorite film from the IMDb Bottom 100 thus far. It isn’t the worst of the list (though it is certainly high up there) in terms of film-making incompetence, but the writing, dialogue, and general tone of the film are all incredibly revolting. The sheer vapidness of the screenplay puts a thin coating on top of the immense quantities of sexism, homophobia, transphobia, and pretty much every other shitty quality a thing can have. I would venture to say that absolutely anyone could be offended by something in this movie. One particular sequence that comes to mind is the ‘humorous’ story of “Monster Head”, in which a transexual prostitute is murdered mid-fellatio by one of the central characters. Lol.

Even the actors are looking for other things to do

“The Hillz” presents the audience with an incredibly forgettable and thoroughly reprehensible cast of characters, including a dull college baseball star lead who is infatuated with an inconsistently-written Paris Hilton who plays his best frenemy and perplexing love interest. He also has a group of close friends who he smokes crack with on occasion, and who operate a criminal empire comprised of robbing Beverly Hills mansions at house parties and executing people for $80 debts.

Smoking crack with the buds

The one saving grace in regards to the character cast of “The Hillz” is that they are mostly corpses by the time the story comes to its abrupt conclusion. I don’t want to assume that this ending was karmic repayment for their general shittiness, because the movie never particularly gave me the sense that they did anything wrong in the storytelling (they very obviously did, but I only know that because I have some sense of right/wrong, not because the movie conveyed it).

All of the actors are absolutely miserable in this movie, with the notable exception of the fellow playing the gang leader with a notably violent temper (the one who killed “Monster Head”). The character is one of the most horrid I’ve seen put to screen, but the actor really does his best to sell it. That is more than can be said for anyone else on screen throughout the run-time of this movie.

He was doing his damnedest

The editing in “The Hillz” definitely goes a long way towards setting it apart from the herd. This movie would have been horrible based on the writing and acting alone, but the astoundingly incompetent transitions are mind-blowing. I think that this movie was edited in Windows Movie Maker, and the editor just used random transitions available in the program. There is at least one instance where a star transition is used, and those always look awful.

One thing that is worth pointing out about this movie is that, despite the trailer and all of the marketing materials, Paris Hilton does not feature prominently in the movie. She doesn’t have any relevance to the primary plot, and sort of floats around the edges of the movie as a source of frustration for the main character. I honestly don’t much care about deceiving people who would watch a movie solely for Paris Hilton, so that marketing deception is a pretty minor gripe in my book.

Last I checked, “The Hillz” was just about to fall out of the IMDb Bottom 100, which really does surprise me. This is more incompetent and offensive overall than either “Pledge This!” or “The Hottie and the Nottie”, two other Paris Hilton movies that tend to hover around the top 10 on the list. My guess is that this is primarily due to the relative lack of exposure of “The Hillz” in comparison to either “Pledge This!” or “The Hottie and the Nottie”, because I can’t believe that anyone would objectively regard those as worse movies than this piece of work. There are only a handful of IMDb Bottom 100 movies that I think of as mechanically worse than “The Hillz” (“Ben and Arthur”, “The Maize”, and “Birdemic” immediately come to mind), but none are as thoroughly offensively written as it. In the words of the late Roger Ebert: I hated, hated, hated this movie.

If you are interested in reading more about “The Hillz”, check out this review from the Something Awful forums.



IMDb Bottom 100: The Hottie and The Nottie

The Hottie and The Nottie


“The Hottie and The Nottie” has been sitting at the bottom of the IMDb Bottom 100 for quite some time. If it weren’t for the current “Gunday” situation, it would still be holding the #1 spot. Given that this is a Paris Hilton movie, I had a pretty good idea of what to expect out of this thing content-wise. However, I was curious going in as to how this movie compares to her other (many) appearances in the list, such as “Pledge This” and “The Hillz”. Oddly, I didn’t find this movie to be dramatically worse than those in any way.

Of course, the message in this movie is abysmal. Essentially, it is an “Ugly Duckling” tale that reinforces the idea that a character/person does not have value until/unless they are attractive. It also presents the audience with one of the most unintentionally reprehensible protagonists I’ve seen in a movie: the writers don’t seem to realize that they have crafted a complete scumbag of a character, and assumes the audience is on board with him throughout the movie.

Despite the fact that they are standing on a boat, I am very much not on board with either of these characters.

The plot follows a guy (Joel David Moore, the fellow on the right above) who is attempting to land the girl of his (primary school) dreams, who is played by Paris Hilton. He is hindered by the fact that she has a protective, unattractive best friend, and by the mostly unaddressed fact that he compulsively lies constantly about everything. The plot wants us to believe that only one of those is a real obstacle. In any case, he spends a significant portion of the movie being grossed out by the unrealistically enhanced ugly friend while trying to scheme ways to dispose of her, all while continuing to lie his way into a pseudo-relationship with the Paris Hilton character.

They go pretty unnecessarily above and beyond with the practical effects

The plot takes the predictable “Ugly Duckling” turn when the ugly friend has cosmetic/dental surgery, after which the lead suddenly realizes he prefers her to Paris Hilton’s character. Instead of having to deal with a realistic comeuppance for the shit he pulls throughout the movie, he pretty much gets exactly what he wants. I basically finished the movie by declaring: “What a fuckhead”.

hottie_and_the_nottie2All of that said, this movie’s failings were mostly limited to the writing and the makeup. I don’t recall any massive technical errors, like the sound editing and cinematography wackiness of “Pledge This!”.  As I mention in the video review, if this movie is put on mute without subtitles, most of the problems disappear (outside of what story you can pull from the visuals). Then again, I’m also definitely not re-watching this. “Pledge This!” had a couple of pure “WTF is happening?” moments to make it bizarrely entertaining in bursts, but “The Hottie and The Nottie” is devoid of any of that. All of the “humor” falls flat (as you would expect), Paris Hilton can’t act (as you should know), and the story is as sick as it is cliche. All of the mild technical competence behind the scenes can’t make up for the atrocious writing here, so even though this is technically a better crafted movie than “Pledge This!”, I’m tempted to say that “Pledge This!” is more watchable overall.

Still, I don’t think this deserves the top slot in an accurate Bottom 100 movies list. It was hard to sit through, but no more difficult than any of the “Movie Movies”, and it is certainly not as incompetently made as “The Maize” or “Birdemic”. I’m honestly not sure how this movie specifically drew the ire of the IMDb voters: while the writing and the story are abysmal, nothing made this movie stand out to me among the other IMDb Bottom 100 comedies. It certainly isn’t anywhere near being good, and I am definitely not recommending it, but I can’t help but disagree with the IMDb voting herd on this one. In my opinion, there is another Paris Hilton movie that deserves that kind of ire, but I’ll get to “The Hillz” later.

All of the incompetence of “Birdemic” combined with the loathesomeness of “The Hottie and The Nottie” and “Pledge This”