Tag Archives: b-movies

Laser Mission

May 28, 2015 Gordon Maples 1 Comment

Laser Mission

Today’s flick is Brandon Lee’s “Laser Mission,” an odd little low-budget action movie with more ambition than sense.

The director for “Laser Mission” was BJ Davis, who is an accomplished stunt worker with experience on movies like “Fatal Games,” “The Hand,” “Darkman,” and “Army of Darkness.” He also directed a handful of other smaller pictures, such as “White Ghost” and “Forget About It.” The two writers of “Laser Mission” were Phillip Gutteridge and David Frank, neither of whom have any other screen credits.

The producer and cinematographer for “Laser Mission” were the father and son duo of Hans Kuhle, Sr. and Hans Kuhle, Jr. The latter of the two had previously worked on films like “City Wolf” and the BJ Davis movie “White Ghost.”

The music for “Laser Mission” was interestingly provided by David Knopfler, who is best known for being part of the band “Dire Straits.”

The effects team for “Laser Mission” included Debbie Christiane (“River of Death,” “Gor”), Debbie Nicoll (“Gor II,” “Lethal Ninja”), and Jannie Wienland (“The Order,” “Cyborg Cop,” “Sweepers”).

The three credited editors for “Laser Mission” were Bob Yrtuc, E. Selavie, and Robert L. Simpson, who received an Academy Award nomination for 1940’s “The Grapes of Wrath.” “Laser Mission” was his last credited picture, and was released an astonishing (and suspicious) 12 years posthumously.

The cast for “Laser Mission” includes a number of vaguely familiar faces, specifically Brandon Lee (“The Crow”), Ernest Borgnine (“Small Soldiers,” “The Dirty Dozen,” “McHale’s Navy”), Graham Clarke (“Space Mutiny,” “The Evil Below”), and Debi A. Monahan (“Night Court,” “Shattered”).

The story of “Laser Mission” centers on a freelance operative is sent into an African nation by the CIA to rescue a kidnapped expert laser scientist. He is running against the clock, as communists are hoping to force the kidnapped expert to build a devastating laser weapon.

Reportedly, David Hasselhoff was at one point considered for the lead role that ultimately went to Brandon Lee. I’m honestly not sure if that would have been an upgrade or a downgrade, but Lee is certainly one of the stronger aspects of the film.

Robert L. Simpson’s editor credit absolutely baffles me. As far as I can tell, he was long dead before any shooting ever even happened. It could just be an IMDb error, or a weird tribute by the filmmakers. I’m sure someone out there knows the story, but I wasn’t able to dig it up.

The reception for “Laser Mission” has been generally negative, as it has accrued a Rotten Tomatoes audience score of 25% and an IMDb rating of 3.4. I couldn’t dig up any financial details, but there is no way that this was a particularly expensive production. I assume the went straight to video, but who knows? It might have had a limited theatrical run somewhere. In any case, it has a bit of a following now as a good-bad classic, and is considered by some to be the platonic ideal of a low-budget schlock action movie.

As far as issues with “Laser Mission” go, it is hard to rank them in terms of severity. The first thing I noticed is that the film quality is just awful, which isn’t surprising for this sort of small production. Still, it just looks awful, in a way that you just know how terrible the movie is going to be out of the gate.

Brandon Lee’s acting is probably one of the few mildly positive aspects of the film, but the rest of the acting is atrocious. There is no romantic chemistry at all between Lee and his partner, Borgnine’s accent is all over the place, characters rotate nationalities, and the comic relief bits are just unbearable. The writing is obviously at least partially at fault here, as the unnecessary and clunky attempts at humor certainly don’t help anything. The title of the movie is even awkwardly wedged into a bit of dialogue, which is just spectacular.

The unnecessary comic relief cop duo, who don’t really serve a purpose for the overall story, make for some of the most unbearable moments in the film. All of their bits boil down to “Women can’t do _____!” / “Yes I can!”, with the occasional interspersed physical comedy routines. It feels like they wandered in from an entirely different movie, and all of the plot progress has to grind to a halt to make room for them.

During the first few sequences of the film, Brandon Lee’s character literally wears Clark Kent glasses as a disguise, which was worth a legitimate laugh. However, it was one of the few that the film pulled from me.

The cinematography on “Laser Mission” is nothing short of awful, to the point that it is hard to tell what is happening in any given shot. Shots are constantly too far away from the action, off-center, and linger far too long, which is just weird to look at.

As far as positive things go, there are certainly some good stunts throughout “Laser Mission,” which isn’t a surprise given the director’s professional background.

“Laser Mission” has a few good moments here and there, including a ridiculous conclusion and a laughable diamond heist, but overall it is pretty slow and uneventful. The clunky acting and dialogue are front and center if that is your thing, but I generally consider this a deep cut only fit for hard core bad movie fans. I just don’t see it working for a mixed audience of casual movie watchers.

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Double Team

May 27, 2015 Gordon Maples 12 Comments

Double Team

Today’s feature is yet another off-the-wall buddy cop team-up: Dennis Rodman and Jean-Claude Van Damme in “Double Team.”

One of the writers for “Double Team” was Don Jakoby (“Evolution,” “Vampires,” “Philadelphia Experiment II”), who also served as a producer on the film. The other credited screenplay contributor was Paul Mones, an actor who appears in the James Spader movie “Tuff Turf,” and who also wrote some smaller flicks like “Fathers & Sons,” starring Jeff Goldblum.

The director for “Double Team” was Hark Tsui, an acclaimed Chinese action movie director who was making his American debut. He has also been behind films like “Knock Off,” “Seven Swords,” and the “Once Upon A Time In China” series.

The cinematographer for “Double Team” was Peter Pau, who also shot “Shoot ‘Em Up,” “Dracula 2000,” and “Bride of Chucky.”

The editor on “Double Team” was Bill Pankow, who has cut an assortment of acclaimed films, including “Snake Eyes” and “The Untouchables.”

The distinct musical score for “Double Team” was done by Gary Chang, who also scored “A Shock To The System,” “The Substitute,” and the infamous 1996 version of “The Island of Dr. Moreau” starring Val Kilmer and Marlon Brando.

One of the producers for “Double Team” was Richard G. Murphy, who was previously Van Damme’s assistant on “Universal Soldier,” and has produced other Van Damme movies like “Timecop,” “Knock Off,” and “Replicant.” The other producers included Moshe Diamant (“It’s Alive,” “Timecop,” “Dark Angel,” “Simon Sez,” “Pray For Death”), Hark Tsui’s wife, Nansun Shi, David Rodgers (“Total Recall,” “Vampires”), and Rick Nathanson (“Poison Ivy,” “China O’Brien,” “Red Cliff”).

The makeup effects on “Double Team” were done by the duo of Katalin Elek (“The Monster Squad,” “SpaceCamp”) and Zoltan Elek (“Street Fighter,” “Timecop,” “Leviathan”). The special effects team for the film included Daniel Acon (“Cliffhanger,” “The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou”), Phillipe Hubin (“Lucy,” “Taken 2,” “The Happening”), and Bruno Van Zeebroeck (“Jaws 3-D,” “Class of 1999,” “The Thing”).

The “Double Team” visual effects team featured such people as Peter Siciliano (“Carnosaur,” “Class of 1999 II”), Mark Intravartolo (“Guardians of the Galaxy,” “Tropic Thunder,” “Sucker Punch”), Ziad Seirafi (“Tales From The Crypt,” “Green Lantern”), Brent Gilmartin (“Monkeybone,” “Bruce Almighty”), Leif Einarsson (“Torque,” “Hollow Man”), Brian Conlon (“Wild Wild West,” “300”), Joe Bauer (“Game of Thrones,” “Blade Trinity”), and Rick Cortes (“League of Extraordinary Gentlemen,” “Dexter,” “Here Comes Dr. Tran”).

The cast for “Double Team” is of course highlighted by Jean Claude Van Damme (“Timecop,” “Cyborg,” “JCVD”) and Dennis Rodman (“Simon Sez”), with Mickey Rourke (“Angel Heart,” “The Wrestler,” “Iron Man 2”) filling in as their antagonist.

The story of “Double Team” focuses primarily on Van Damme, who is a special agent on the verge of retirement with a young child on the way. On a mission involving Rodman, he manages to make a dramatic mistake which lands him into an unofficial prison camp for ex-operatives. The story quickly turns into a tale of escape and revenge, culminating in a number of significant explosions.

Mickey Rourke, in preparation for his villainous role opposite Van Dame, apparently took significant martial arts training to get into shape. The result is a surprisingly ripped Rourke, who would years later mimic the physique for his acclaimed role in “The Wrestler.”

“Double Team” apparently had sequel plans, though they never materialized for one reason or another. My guess is that Rodmen’s acting aspirations didn’t quite pan out, making a sequel difficult.

“Double Team” was apparently the first film to use a Coca Cola vending machine as direct product placement, which unbelievably plays a significant role in the film’s plot.

The reception to “Double Team” wasn’t exactly fantastic, and it has earned a 4.6 rating on IMDb, along with Rotten Tomatoes scores of 11% (critics) and 24% (audience).

The budget for “Double Team” was reportedly around $30 million, of which only about $11.5 million was made back in the film’s U.S. theatrical release.

One of the most memorable and bizarre aspects of “Double Team” is the use of odd sets and locations. For instance, Dennis Rodman’s introduction takes place in a neon SCUBA nightclub, the finale takes place in a coliseum, and a major firefight is set in the middle of a carnival, complete with clowns getting downed as casualties in the crossfire.

Speaking of which, boy does this movie destroy that carnival. Clearly the production had a lot of fun with the location, and got everything they could out of it. Also, outside of the clown murder, a child and countless bystanders also die in the same scene.

The product placement in “Double Team” is a little over the top, particularly for Coca Cola. Not only does a coke machine wind up playing a key role in saving the central characters from an explosion, but a coke can also features prominently in Van Damme’s escape from his pseudo-prison. It is one thing for products to appear in a film, but it is another for the name brand to actually serve a direct function in the plot.

As you might expect, “Double Team” features lots of explosions and fireballs. Unfortunately, most of them look just fucking terrible, which is kind of astounding. The finale sequence has some of the worst executed explosions I have ever seen, and they look terrible enough that they essentially ruin the sequence.

When it comes to the plot of “Double Team,” I actually thought that the bizarre hitman/special agent retirement home was a far more interesting and original concept than the central revenge storyline. Personally, I would rather see a movie about that, making a sort of hybrid of “John Wick” and “Fortress.”

Unsurprisingly, Dennis Rodman’s outfits are way out there, and add a lot of color to the film. Rodman as an actor isn’t really suited for comic relief though, and he is frankly better as the straight man in “Simon Sez” than he is here. Of course, the writing didn’t help anything, particularly with the near-constant basketball references forced into the dialogue.

Interestingly, “Double Team” features an order of cyber monks, much like the other Rodman film “Simon Sez.” However, they don’t appear to be connected in any way, making for an unexpected coincidence.

Mickey Rourke is actually pretty fantastic in “Double Team,” and is easily too good for the movie. He looks intimidating and sinister, and delivers a performance worthy of a much better script. His death is also one of the most memorable ones from any action film, as he kills himself with a land mine while being mauled by a giant tiger.

The sheer volume of collateral damage and casualties in “Double Team” is unusually high, even for an action flick. It seems like every major sequence has to have at least one innocent gunned down, which makes it stand out from most other oddball, buddy action movies.

The best fight sequence of the movie is undoubtedly the foot knife fight, which features some solid choreography and camera work. Unfortunately, it is also one of the shorter sequences in the film, which was a little disappointing, especially given how long the others seem to drag on for.

The finale of “Double Team” rose an interesting question for me: did Rourke buy the same tiger from the carnival where his wife and son died? Was the specific tiger part of his revenge plan? I don’t see how it would make sense to have an entirely different tiger introduced in act three, but trying to think through Rourke’s logic is boggling. Maybe his grief made him commit a lot of bizarre impulse purchases from the carnival?

Overall, “Double Team” has some solid highlights, but is a little too slow and sloppily edited to be a lot of fun. The beginning and end are good enough, but the middle drags a bit more than it needed to. It isn’t a painful watch though, and the finale is enough in my book to warrant a recommendation.

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Dracula 3000

May 26, 2015 Gordon Maples 7 Comments

Dracula 3000

Today’s flick is the atrocious futuristic Dracula tale, “Dracula 3000.”

“Dracula 3000” was co-written and directed by Darrell Roodt, who also worked on films such as “Dangerous Ground” and “Cry, The Beloved Country.” The other credited writer is Ivan Milborrow, who has primarily worked as a sound worker on films like “From Dusk Till Dawn 3” and “Spud.”

The cinematographer on “Dracula 3000” was Giulio Biccari, who primarily works in television, such as the BBC show “Luther” and the documentary series “America: The Story of US.”

One of the editors for “Dracula 3000” was Avril Beukes, who has worked on a number of foreign productions such as “Prey,” “Yesterday,” and “Red Dust.” The other was Ronelle Loots, who cut the South African film “Faith Like Potatoes.”

The musical score for “Dracula 3000” was written by Michael Hoenig, who also provided music for “Class of 1999” and the 1988 remake of “The Blob.”

The prosthetic work for “Dracula 3000” was provided by a team including Dennis Beechey (“Shark Attack 2”), Rob Carlisle (“Dredd,” “Lord of War”), and Clinton Smith (“Guardians of the Galaxy,” “World War Z”). The visual effects for “Dracula 3000” were done by Cassiano Prado, whose only other effects credit is another film I have covered previously, “Slipstream (2005).”

The special effects team for “Dracula 3000” included Roly Jansen, a stunt coordinator who worked on “Space Mutiny” and “The Mangler,” Kevin Carter (“Legion,” “Dead Snow”), Tyrell Kemlo (“Troy,” “Blood Diamond”), and Cordell McQueen (“Machine Gun Preacher”).

The producers for “Dracula 3000” included Jan Fantl (“Baby Geniuses 2,” “Feardotcom”), James Atherton (“The Proposition”), Frank Hubner (“Boat Trip,” “The Karate Dog,” “A Sound of Thunder”), Brad Krevoy (“Beverly Hills Ninja,” “Kingpin”), David Lancaster (“Drive,” “Nightcrawler,” “Whiplash”), and Jorg Westercamp (“Starship Troopers 3”).

The cast of “Dracula 3000” is led by Casper Van Dien (“The Omega Code,” “Starship Troopers”) who plays a future incarnation of the vampire hunter Van Helsing. The rest of the cast is filled out by Tiny Lister (“No Holds Barred”), Coolio (“Daredevil,” “Pterodactyl”), Alexandra Kamp-Groeneveld (“2001: A Space Travesty”), Erika Eleniak (“Bordello of Blood,” “Under Siege”), Udo Kier (“Shadow of the Vampire,” “Blade”), and Langley Kirkwood (“Dredd,” “Generation Kill”) as Orlock / Dracula.

The story of “Dracula 3000” takes place in the distant future, specifically on a spaceship traveling in a sparsely populated area with a skeleton crew. The ship surprisingly runs across an adrift, abandoned shipping vessel, and stops to investigate. Unfortunately, the incompetent crew manages to release a sleeping vampire who was dormant in the abandoned ship, leading to a number of blood-sucking incidences.

“Dracula 3000” released the same year as “Van Helsing,” a big-budget Hollywood movie partially inspired by the classic tale of Dracula. It is fair to say that this at least partially inspired the production of this low-budget, clearly rushed product.

Speaking of influences, “Dracula 3000” also came a few years after the larger film “Dracula 2000,” which also modernized the legendary vampire story. It is hard to argue that the title wasn’t given with the intention of fooling people into believing it was a sequel.

Interestingly, “Dracula 3000” marks the third Dracula movie I have covered on the blog, after “Die Hard Dracula” and “Dracula A.D. 1972,” which also attempted to modernize the tale for 1970s audiences. Of course, Dracula also appeared in “Van Helsing” and is vaguely mentioned in “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen,” but neither of those movie quite qualify as ‘Dracula movies’ if you ask me.

The starship used in “Dracula 3000” was apparently dug up after being initially used on a failed CBS sci-fi television series called “Space Rangers” from the early 1990s.

The reception to “Dracula 3000” could be best be summarized as ‘astoundingly poor,’ racking up a hefty 2.0 rating on IMDb, along with a 16% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes.

It is hard to decide where to start when it comes to flaws with “Dracula 3000.” The acting is of course awful, which is compounded by some truly embarrassingly lazy dialogue. Coolio is particularly heinous on both fronts, as he is both a bad actor and was expected to provide comic relief by providing one-liners and commentary, which are all excruciating. The best actor of the bunch is probably Udo Kier, who appears to have literally phoned in his performance through a webcam, and never appears on screen with other characters. Van Dien and Lister actually seem half-competent standing next to the rest of the cast, which is saying a lot given their acting careers.

Speaking of failed humor, there is a lot of sexual creepiness written into a number of the characters in “Dracula 3000,” which seems to be played up for laughs. Not only is it not funny, but it is baffling to the point of being utterly surreal, and it is a little surprising that no one called it out over the course of the production. The one strong woman in the whole film (who is still pretty awful) turns out to literally be a sex robot, and is last seen getting slapped on the ass by a character who had been creepily taunting her throughout the film. It doesn’t make sense for the characters, reverts any development, borks the context, and it is just damn lazy to boot.

Speaking of which, that ass-slap takes place during a post-credit sequence that follow one of the most abrupt endings I have ever seen in a film. It literally just comes out of nowhere, like they wrote themselves into a wall or ran out of money, and couldn’t find a way to actually finish the movie. Basically, instead of having a final conflict with the vampire, the two survivors decide to veer into the sun. They then decide to have sex, and the scene cuts to a cheap explosion which prompts the credits. The first time I saw the movie, it was running in a late spot on the Sci-Fi Channel. I recall having my jaw drop at the abruptness and laziness of the ending, and it is one of the bad movie experiences that has most stuck with me over the years.

As far as other issues with the film go, there is a half-assed attempt to tie the story into the same universe as Bram Stoker’s “Dracula,” by explicitly stating the the common names pulled over from the novel weren’t coincidental, and that the crew are descendents of characters. That would make sense, if there were any way for Dracula to have planned the course of the ancient ship, and had known about a bunch of descendents of his enemies that hadn’t been born yet and what their flight paths would be. With a little thought, it all kind of falls apart.

“Dracula 3000,” unsurprisingly, features awful looking effects work. The prop that stuck out most to me was an obviously plastic skeleton, which I assume was supposed to look frightening.

Another little detail mentioned in the dialogue that bothered me is the revelation that the ship came from a planet of vampires. How is that supposed to work, exactly? Unless it is a penal colony, why would vampires have any incentive to band together on their own planet, when their survival is dependent on feeding on non-vampires. They would obviously eventually starve due to a scarcity of food. Also, this brings up a point I’ve never quite understood. Is ‘vampire’ a species, or a condition? I always assumed it was ‘vampirism,’ and that it could theoretically effect any sort of living being. It isn’t stated as such, but if there are other sentient races in the world of “Dracula 3000,” couldn’t they also have vampires? In that case, it makes even less sense for them to band together, as they appear to need blood from their origin species to sustain themselves. Honestly, none of it makes all that much sense.

My guess is that the marketing plan for “Dracula 3000” was banking on three things: 1) people confusing it with “Van Helsing,” 2) people confusing it with “Dracula 2000” (or a sequel), and 3) people being lured in by bad ass cover art, which was the same tactic used for “Zombie Nation.” Because, honestly, the cover art is undoubtedly the coolest thing about this stinker of a movie.

Overall, “Dracula 3000” is a dull little train wreck. If you can handle sci-fi original movies and flicks from “The Asylum,” that is basically what you are getting here, just don’t expect much in the way of excitement. The acting and effects are awful, and the ending will leave you shocked in the worst possible way.

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Dead Heat

May 25, 2015 Gordon Maples 16 Comments

Dead Heat

Today’s feature is the infamous undead buddy cop movie, “Dead Heat.”

The director for “Dead Heat” was Mark Goldblatt, an accomplished editor for such films as “Super Mario Bros.,” “Enter The Ninja,” “Predator 2,” and “Humanoids from the Deep.” His only other directorial credit came the following year with 1989’s “The Punisher,” starring action icon Dolph Lundgren.

“Dead Heat” was written by Terry Black, and it was interestingly the only film writing job in his career. However, he is the brother of Shane Black, who is well known for his action movies “Lethal Weapon,” “Last Action Hero,” and “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.”

The cinematographer for “Dead Heat” was Robert D. Yeoman, who has also shot such films as “The Wizard,” “Moonrise Kingdom,” and “Whip It,” among many others.

The musical score for “Dead Heat” was composed by Ernest Troost, who also scored the cult classic giant worm movie, “Tremors.”

The makeup effects on “Dead Heat” were done by the XFX effects group, for which “Dead Heat” was their first film. The group went on to work on films like “The Abyss,” “Species,” “The Dentist,” and “Zoolander.” The company’s founder and primary effects designer was Steve Johnson, who earlier worked on “Humanoids from the Deep,” “Videodrome,” and “An American Werewolf In London.” The rest of the team included Craig Caton (“Leviathan,” “The Stuff,” “Predator 2”), Gunnar Ferdinandsen (“Total Recall,” “RoboCop 3”), William Forsche (“Dolls,” “From Beyond,” “Beetlejuice”), Steve Frakes (“Leviathan,” “Hollow Man,” “Darkman”), Chris Goehe (“Howard The Duck,” “Ghostbusters II”), and Russell Seifert (“Leviathan,” “The Garbage Pail Kids Movie”).

The special effects team for “Dead Heat” included such effects workers as Jeff Frink (“Maximum Overdrive,” “Dragnet,” “Ernest Goes To Jail”), Patrick Read Johnson (“Baby’s Day Out,” “Dragonheart”), and Todd Masters (“Slither,” “Snakes On A Plane,” “Red State,” “American Mary”).

The visual effects crew for “Dead Heat” was made up of Ernest D. Farino (“Cyborg,” “The Terminator,” “The Thing”) and XFX’s Steve Johnson (“Humanoids from the Deep,” “The Cat in The Hat,” “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen,” “Big Trouble In Little China”), who took on multiple effects effects roles for the flick.

“Dead Heat” was edited by Harvey Rosenstock, who cut such flicks as “Scent of A Woman,” “Tombstone,” “Radio,” and the Robin Williams remake of “Flubber.”

The producers for “Dead Heat” included David Helpern (“Leave It To Beaver”), Michael Meltzer (“Sometimes They Come Back…Again,” “The Hidden”), and Allen Alsobrook (“Repo Man,” “The Sword and The Sorcerer”).

The cast of “Dead Heat” is headlined by Joe Piscopo (“Saturday Night Live”) and Treat Williams (“White Collar,” “1941”) as the two central cops, with an accessory cast including Vincent Price (“House on Haunted Hill,” “The Tingler,” “The Fly”), Lindsay Frost (“The Ring”), Darren McGavin (“A Christmas Story”), Robert Picardo (“The Howling,” “976-EVIL”), Keye Luke (“Gremlins”), and Peter Kent (“Re-Animator”).

The story of “Dead Heat” is a traditional buddy cop formula, with a twist inspired from a classic film noir (“D.O.A.”). Basically, an ace cop is killed in the line of duty, and then resurrected by a mysterious machine. His body is going to decompose in a matter of hours, so he has to find his killers before he deteriorates into zombie goo, with the help of his obnoxious partner and a questionable femme fatale.

Peter Kent, the one-time body double for Arnold Schwarzenegger, once again plays a reanimated corpse in “Dead Heat,” after memorably appearing in Stuart Gordon’s “Re-Animator” as a walking corpse three years earlier.

The original written ending for “Dead Heat” was very similar to Terry Gilliam’s “Brazil,” in that it is revealed that the finale is entirely occurring within Treat’s rapidly decomposing imagination. While the final ending isn’t exactly upbeat, it is almost certainly more audience-friendly than the “Brazil” treatment originally planned.

Speaking of which, the ending was hardly the only aspect of the film that failed to make the final cut. According to the DVD commentary, the film had to be re-cut 9 times to satisfy the MPAA before they were able to avoid an NC-17 rating, which left a significant amount of gore and effects work unused. While a restored version was at one point planned for the home video release, it did not ultimately happen. One of these cuts features the b-movie icon Dick Miller (“Gremlins,” “Chopping Mall,” “A Bucket of Blood”), who appears briefly as a night watchman in the cemetery.

Apparently a sequel to “Dead Heat” was at one point planned. However, a writer’s strike provided a death nail after the film had already failed to be significantly profitable. In the DVD commentary, Black revealed that his loose sequel plan included a scene with a self-autopsy, and a proposed tag line of: “This time, they are even more dead!” One of the biggest issues in writing the draft, Black explained, was obviously the fact that (spoilers) all of the characters are dead at the end of “Dead Heat.” A studio executive pointed out to Black that this wasn’t really much of an impediment for a movie plot centering on a resurrection machine, which is admittedly a fair point.

One of the biggest complaints I have heard about “Dead Heat” is the presence of Joe Piscopo, who is near-universally reviled as a comedic actor. Interestingly, according to the creative team featured on the DVD commentary, New World Pictures wouldn’t make the movie without Piscopo being involved in a central role, for whatever reason that might have been.

The plot of “Dead Heat” was influenced heavily by a classic noir film, “D.O.A.” A clip from the movie appears in the background of one scene, specifically the memorable revenge climax. The plot of “D.O.A.” follows a man who has been poisoned, and only has a few hours to live. He uses his time to track down his killer, and enact revenge on his own behalf, much like the events in “Dead Heat.”

The reception to “Dead Heat” was not particularly positive: it has accrued a 6.0 score on IMDb, along with Rotten Tomatoes ratings of 13% (critics) and 50% (audience). However, it is certainly remembered as one of the stranger entries into the “buddy cop” genre.

“Dead Heat” was made on a budget just shy of $6 million, but ultimately grossed less than $4 million in it’s domestic release, failing to make a profit.

Of all of the problems with “Dead Heat,” Piscopo is undoubtedly at the top of the list. His persona and character are unbearable, and all of comedic moments and punch lines feel forced. He mostly seems to serve to distract from the story at hand, and is so unessential that he disappears for a significant portion of the film, suffering an off-screen demise.

Unfortunately, in a movie that should be able to rely on visual work, the effects don’t look good at all in “Dead Heat.” Part of this problem is due to the decision to film primarily during the day, which instantly makes the makeup less intimidating. However, that isn’t where the problems end. The makeup is overdone at parts (particularly on Treat’s face), and continuity gets to be a big problem when primary characters can’t heal, and bullet holes start to inexplicably disappear. Worse, computer effects are used for some heavier melting effects, which look just awful now. I’m not sure if the effects cuts made for the MPAA actually hurt or helped the movie, because what made the cut doesn’t look great.

Speaking of which, it is evident from watching the film that it was heavily cut for the ratings board. There are numerous instances where reactions shots are shown to things the audience doesn’t get to see, to the point that the changes are jarring and obvious.

The elderly Vincent Price’s role in the film is minimal, unfortunately. When he does appear, he sells his role just fine. However, his character doesn’t make any sense. Why exactly did he leave the code implicating the ‘body doc’ if he was never buried, and was involved in the conspiracy? If it wasn’t him that left the code, why did the random corpse know that much about the coroner to be able to identify him by his license plate? I’m wondering if this is due to the “Brazil” ending getting axed, leading to the finale being tacked on after that original version got vetoed. It is mentioned in the DVD commentary that Vincent Price’s monologue in this finale was written by a studio executive, which struck me as a bit suspicious, and may support this theory.

On a related note, the ending to “Dead Heat” feels oddly rushed, and characters suddenly die throughout the last third of the movie, including two central cast members off-screen. I’d be interested to know to what extent the story had to be fiddled with before filming, because it feels increasingly choppy as the story progresses.

The highlight of “Dead Heat” is undoubtedly a sequence in which an entire Chinese butcher shop is resurrected, sparking one of the strangest fight scenes that I have ever seen in a movie.

Overall, “Dead Heat” is a flawed flick with a handful of highlights that make it worth watching through in my opinion. If Piscopo had been recast and some of the MPAA cuts avoided, this may very well have become a classic. However, it is what it is. The butcher shop scene should sell it for most horror fans.

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Vampire’s Kiss

May 22, 2015 Gordon Maples 10 Comments

Vampire’s Kiss

Today’s feature is arguably the most Nicolas Cage of all of the Nicolas Cage movies: “Vampire’s Kiss.”

“Vampire’s Kiss” was written by Joseph Minion, who also wrote the screenplay for Martin Scorcese’s cult classic comedy “After Hours.” The director for “Vampire’s Kiss” was a fellow named Robert Bierman who was taking on his first directorial role on a feature film.

The cinematography for “Vampire’s Kiss” was provided by Stefan Czapsky, who would later work on a number of Tim Burton films (such as “Ed Wood” and “Batman Returns”), as well as the horror sequel “Child’s Play 2.”

The musical score for “Vampire’s Kiss” was composed by Colin Towns, who primarily did music for television shows. However, he provided scores for a couple of Stuart Gordon movies: “Daughter of Darkness” and “Space Truckers.”

The “Vampire’s Kiss” special effects makeup team included Ed French (“Midnight Meat Train,” “Epic Movie,” “The Stuff,” “C.H.U.D.”), Erik Schaper (“Bride of Re-Animator”), and Cindy Gardner (“The Matrix Reloaded,” “Starsky & Hutch”).

The producers for “Vampire’s Kiss” were John Daly (“Best Seller,” “The Terminator,” “Platoon”), Barbara Zitwer (“The Ambulance,” “It’s Alive 3”), Barry Shils (“The Stuff,” “Special Effects”), Derek Gibson (“The Return of the Living Dead,” “Hoosiers”), Matthew Ferro (“Happy Feet,” “Face/Off”), and Marcia Shulman (“Buffy The Vampire Slayer”),

The primary editor for “Vampire’s Kiss” was a man named Angus Newton, who has worked on television shows and movies like “Scandal,” “Dreamchild,” and “Foyle’s War.”

The production designer for “Vampire’s Kiss” was Christopher Nowak, who later worked on “The X-Files” and “Coming To America.”

The cast is, of course, headlined by the mad Coppola himself, Nicolas Cage. The rest of the primary on-screen performers included Maria Conchita Alonso (“Predator 2,” “The Running Man”), Jennifer Beals (“Flashdance,” “Four Rooms”), Elizabeth Ashley (“Treme,” “Dragnet”), Kasi Lemmons (“The Silence of the Lambs,” “Black Nativity”), and Jessica Lundy (“Caddyshack II”).

The story of “Vampire’s Kiss” centers around an abusive and erratic publishing agent who slowly descends into madness, believing that he has been turned into a vampire during a one night stand.

Nicolas Cage’s performance in “Vampire’s Kiss” is notorious not only for his appearance, but also for his behind-the-scenes behavior. During one sequence, Cage actually eats a real cockroach, which was apparently both Cage’s idea and done based on his adamant insistence. He even insisted on the production using a real bat for the scene where he is bitten, until he was eventually talked down by the director. Cage also has said that he rehearsed in his hotel room constantly during his off-time. Better yet, he did so with the company of his cat, Lewis, whom he let live in the hotel room throughout filming, barring any attendants from making up the room. Whether due to Lewis or Cage’s recital performances, the hotel room was left in shambles by the time production wrapped.

Speaking of which, all of the property destruction caused by Cage in “Vampire’s Kiss” was real. The production couldn’t afford fake glass or prop furniture, so all of the various objects that Cage destroys were absolutely genuine, and has to be torn apart by the OneTrueGod’s genuine wrath.

The recently cult following behind Nicolas Cage’s unique take on the method acting style often praises “Vampire’s Kiss” as one of the finest examples of Cage in his peak, ludicrous form. The fandom around his style has spawned a popular subreddit (r/OneTrueGod), as well as a meme developed from a “Vampire’s Kiss” screenshot.

According to Nicolas Cage, the $40,000 he was paid for his performance in “Vampire’s Kiss” was spent on a 1967 Corvette Sting Ray that he still owns, which he refers to as ‘The Vampire’s Kiss,’ which is a pretty great nickname for a car.

The DVD director’s commentary for “Vampire’s Kiss” also features Nicolas Cage, who provides some fantastic insight into his personal outlook and mentality about the film. Here are a couple of memorable quotes:

“I cared more about this performance than any other in my career…(I wanted) to get it right.”

…

“Over the top is one of those things that doesn’t work with me, because I don’t believe there is such a thing.”

The daughter of acclaimed writer/director Larry Cohen (“The Stuff,” “Maniac Cop,” “Black Caesar,” “It’s Alive”), Jill Gatsby, appears in “Vampire’s Kiss” as one of Nicolas Cage’s later victims. A number of the producers on “Vampire’s Kiss” had previously worked on Larry Cohen movies such as “It’s Alive 3” and “Special Effects.”

Before Nic Cage became formally attached to the picture, Judd Nelson (“Steel,” “The Boondock Saints II”) was cast to play the lead in “Vampire’s Kiss,” but backed out after receiving a better offer, likely for the William Lustig (“Maniac Cop 2,” “Maniac Cop 3”) film “Relentless.”

“Vampire’s Kiss” bears vague similarities to a couple of more highly acclaimed films: George Romero’s “Martin” and Roman Polanski’s “Fearless Vampire Killers.” “Martin,” much like “Vampire’s Kiss,” features a protagonist in a modern setting who believes himself to be a vampire, and suffers a very similar ending to the one portrayed in “Vampire’s Kiss.” However, that film is a pretty straight drama, with not much in the way of comedy. “Fearless Vampire Killers,” on the other hand, is a dark comedy centered around vampires, which more closely resembles to tone that Bierman was allegedly aiming for with “Vampire’s Kiss,” and is directly mentioned as an influence in his DVD commentary. The ultimate product of “Vampire’s Kiss” seems to exist in a limbo state between those two features, with a confusing tone that can’t seem to settle on which direction it wants to go in.

Because of the unclear tone and surreal aspects of “Vampire’s Kiss,” the marketing for the film clearly struggled to sell audiences on the film. Some of the posters and cover art that you will find make the film look like a traditional horror, whereas others make it appear to be a silly comedy.

“Vampire’s Kiss” mostly flew under the radar for it’s theatrical release, grossing less than $750,000 in a limited run on a $2 million budget. The reception that it did receive wasn’t positive, in spite of the cult status it has attained in recent years as a “good-bad” flick. It currently holds Rotten Tomatoes scores of 59% (critics) and 54% (audience), with an IMDb rating of 5.8.

From watching “Vampire’s Kiss,” you can tell that it was clearly a low budget production with an inexperienced crew, and thus has a very authentically amateur feel to it, which can sometimes work in a film’s favor (“The Texas Chain Saw Massacre,” for instance). Unfortunately, that isn’t particularly the case here.

One of the biggest problems with “Vampire’s Kiss” is a baffling lack of focus, like it was never completely worked out ahead of time by the director after he read the screenplay. The result is a meandering tone that never feels quite coherent, almost like it was directed steam-of-consciousness. It still isn’t completely clear what Bierman’s intention for the film was, and he isn’t quite able to elucidate it himself based on the director’s commentary. I would be interested to hear Joseph Minion’s thoughts on the film and what his vision was for the original screenplay. The only information I could find is that he wrote the screenplay in two weeks, that there were no rewrites, and that the only thing on screen that he didn’t write was Nic Cage’s infamous cockroach scene:

”The only thing that wasn’t in the script was Nick (Cage) eating a cockroach. That was his own contribution.”
– Joseph Minion on “Vampire’s Kiss”

The background of “Vampire’s Kiss” is almost as entertaining as the primary story itself. The production couldn’t afford extras, so a lot of the people in the background are either crew members, or, more frequently, are just real New Yorkers strolling by. This is particularly entertaining to watch during sequences where Cage is howling and flailing his way down the street. There are also a number of mimes that appear in the background of scenes, which were included for reasons that no one seems to remember.

Last but not least, “Vampire’s Kiss” both lives and dies by Nicolas Cage. The entire film orbits around his astoundingly strange performance, including exaggerated hand gestures, perplexing accents, sudden explosive outbursts, and borderline inhuman facial expressions. Whether someone likes this movie or not absolutely depends on their opinion of Nicolas Cage’s acting style, because the entire movie essentially functions as a showcase of the man at his most extreme limits.

Overall, I believe that “Vampire’s Kiss” has earned its reputation as a good-bad classic, and is the single greatest example of Nicolas Cage at his most bizarre zenith. I recommend checking this one out to just about anyone who enjoys bad movies or Nic Cage performances. Even for casual movie watchers, I at least insist that they check out some of the highlight compilations that are littered across YouTube, at least for the cultural knowledge.

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Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

May 21, 2015 Gordon Maples 7 Comments

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

Today’s feature is the disappointing follow-up to one of the most lauded horror films of all time: “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2.”

The writing credit for “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” is given to L.M. Kit Carson, who also wrote the films “Breathless” and “Paris, Texas,” with a story credit given to director Tobe Hooper.

“Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” was directed by Tobe Hooper, who was behind the creation of the original horror classic. He has also created such films as “The Mangler,” “Poltergeist,” and “Night Terrors” over his career.

The cinematography for “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” was done by Richard Kooris, who later shot the necrophilia-themed crime comedy “Drop Dead Sexy,” starring Crispin Glover and Jason Lee.

The editor for “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” was Alain Jakubowicz, who also cut such acclaimed films as “Simon Sez,” “America 3000,” and “The Apple.”

The makeup effects for “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” was provided by a team that included experienced effects workers Tom Savini (“Friday the 13th,” “Maniac,” “Dawn of the Dead”) and Bart Mixon (“Guardians of the Galaxy,” “The Midnight Meat Train,” “Killer Klowns From Outer Space”).

The special effects team for “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” included Gabe Bartalos (“Dolls,” “From Beyond,” “Leprechaun 4”), Ray Beetz (“City Slickers II”), Gino Crognale (“Frankenhooker,” “976-EVIL,” “From Beyond,” “Troll”), Mitch Devane (“The Pit and The Pendulum,” “Captain America”), Josh Hakian (“The Wizard,” “Jonah Hex”), Shawn McEnroe (“Humanoids from the Deep,” “The Howling”), Joe Quinlivan (“Face/Off,” “House of Yes,” “Ninja III: The Domination”), Ken Sher (“Blade”), Eddie Surkin (“Single White Female,” “Escape From New York”), and John Vulich (“King of the Ants,” “Castle Freak,” “Dolls,” “Dr. Alien”).

The music for “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” was provided by the combination of Tobe Hooper and Jerry Lambert, the latter of whom has worked on soundtracks for films such as “Jason X” and “The Omega Code.”

“Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” was produced by the Cannon Films duo of Golan and Globus, who I have mentioned before when covering “Enter The Ninja,” “Revenge of the Ninja,” and “Ninja III: The Domination.” Basically, they were low-budget exploitation kings of the 1980s, and picking up a sequel to such an acclaimed and high-grossing low-cost flick must have sounded like a slot machine jackpot to the pair.

The production designer for “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” was Cary White, who later worked on movies like “The Faculty,” “Spy Kids,” and “Mean Girls” as an art director.

The cast for “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” is led by Dennis Hopper (“Blue Velvet,” “Space Truckers”), Caroline Williams (“Leprechaun 3,” “Days of Thunder”), Bill Moseley (“Repo! The Genetic Opera,” “Old 37,” “Army of Darkness”), and Jim Siedow (“The Texas Chain Saw Massacre”).

The story of “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” takes place many years after the events of the first film, and follows one of the victims’ father on a crusade to find out what happened to the missing teens. Meanwhile, the cannibalistic family has taken up becoming renowned barbeque experts in north Texas, using human victims for the meat. After the family kills a couple of teens during a live radio call-in, the DJ becomes alarmed and contacts the vengeance-seeking father.

The poster most widely used for “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” confusingly parodies the popular format of “The Breakfast Club,” featuring the members of the cannibal family in similar poses. While that may have been evident at the time, it just looks strange outside of that context.

Unsurprisingly, “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” initially released unrated due to receiving an “X” rating from the Motion Picture Association of America ratings board, which is typically a death sentence for theatrical distribution. While the film made it into theaters in the U.S., it ran into much bigger difficulties with censors in other countries, such as Australia and West Germany.

The story of “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” takes place during the weekend of the University of Texas – University of Oklahoma football game, which is known as the “Red River Showdown,” a nickname that is mentioned multiple times throughout the film.

“Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” wasn’t met with a particularly warm reception, earning Rotten Tomatoes scores of 42% (critics) and 44% (audience), along with an IMDb rating of 5.5.

The estimated budget for “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” was $4.7 million, and it wound up grossing just over $8 million in its total domestic theatrical run, making it profitable on the whole.

“Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” isn’t nearly as distinctive or suspenseful as the first film, and is packed with bizarre moments of humor and the constant presence of the cartoonish cannibal family. It is as if Hooper either didn’t understand what made the original impress upon so many people, or he was deliberately denying the audience what they wanted. I dug up a couple of quotes from an A.V. Club interview that seems to indicate the latter:

I was just going to produce it and I couldn’t find a director. Literally, I couldn’t find anyone my budget would afford, a director whose work I knew, so I ended up running out of time and directing it myself. In doing so, I amplified the comedy and, I think, gave the general audience exactly what they did not want.

…

It’s crazy as hell. It’s a film that’s just loony. But at least I got a chance to make a comedy—a very grim comedy—that is receiving an acknowledgement for its stylization.

The fact that Hooper was reluctant to make the movie in the first place certainly doesn’t surprise me, and might account for why it took so long to happen. The interview also makes it clear that Hooper was more interested in doing something different and challenging than doing something that people would like, and that was certainly his prerogative as the creator. However, he couldn’t be shocked when people didn’t ultimately like it at the time.

The A.V. Club has an interesting positive retrospective about “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” that makes one very good point:

Stretch tries to appeal to his humanity, the parts inside almost all of us that want love and affection and sex, and it works. That’s what makes Leatherface a much more interesting villain than Freddy or Jason; he has more in common with Lennie in Of Mice And Men than an inhuman killing machine.

Leatherface is certainly treated like more of an actual character in “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2,” which can be looked at either positively or negatively. Personally, while I think the growth for the character was an interesting touch, I didn’t think the performance was anywhere near as impressive, chilling, or human as the way Gunnar Hansen portrayed him. A lot of that comes down, I think, to the way he used body language to portray the character, which seems totally lacking in this sequel. There is also an argument to be made that Leatherface doesn’t need to be developed all that much past being a chainsaw wielder, but I actually am a bigger fan of horror threats having real human faces on them (ha), which is something that Jason, Michael Myers, etc. tend to lack.

The climax of “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” shows off a chainsaw duel between Leatherface and Dennis Hopper’s character, which is as entertaining as the movie ever gets. The proper finale of the movie is pretty lackluster in my opinion, which the surviving lead character mindlessly swinging a chainsaw around and screaming, channeling their very best Leatherface for no reason in particular.

Overall, “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” wasn’t as bad as I expected, and is a solid few rungs above “The Next Generation” in conventional quality. That said, I liked that flick a little better as a good-bad watch, primarily because of McConaughey’s performance, which doesn’t have a parallel in “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2.” The closest thing is Bill Moseley, who just came off as obnoxious and annoying to me, but there are plenty who disagree.

If you are looking for an entertainingly awful horror watch, there are a lot of better choices in the major horror franchises than this. “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” is mostly just disappointing and slow, a result of Tobe Hooper choosing a humorous direction for the franchise without the acting or writing capabilities to pull it off. It is also definitely one of the least entertaining Cannon movies I’ve seen overall, which was a bit of a surprise.

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Speed 2: Cruise Control

May 20, 2015 Gordon Maples 14 Comments

Speed 2: Cruise Control

Today’s feature is yet another truly reviled, unnecessary sequel: “Speed 2: Cruise Control.”

“Speed 2” was directed, produced, and co-written by Jan De Bont, who has had a significant career as both a director and a cinematographer, working on such films as “Roar,” “Twister,” “The Haunting,” and “Leonard Part 6.” The screenplay writing credit for “Speed 2” was given to two other people: Randall McCormick (“Titan A.E.,” “The Scorpion King 2,” “The Scorpion King 3”) and Jeff Nathanson (“Catch Me If You Can,” “Rush Hour 2,” “Rush Hour 3”).

Character creation credit for “Speed 2” was given to the writer of “Speed,” Graham Yost (“Mission to Mars,” “Justified”), who was apparently bumped from the creative side of “Speed 2” early on in the project due to a difference of vision from De Bont.

The cinematographer for “Speed 2” was Jack N. Green, who also shot such movies as “Unforgiven,” “The Net,” and, more recently, “Hot Tub Time Machine.”

The musical score for “Speed 2” was provided by Mark Mancina, who has composed music for such films as “Space Mutiny,” “Con Air,” and “Twister.”

The editor for “Speed 2” was Alan Cody, who has cut a number of comedy movies like “Corky Romano” and “Inspector Gadget.”

The massive special effects team for “Speed 2” included Mike Reedy (“Daredevil,” “RoboCop 3,” “TRON”), Tom von Badinski (“Epic Movie,” “Waterworld”), Al Broussard (“Mimic,” “Volcano”), Paul Stewart (“Tango & Cash”), Bruce Robles (“Lethal Weapon,” “Virtuosity”), Al Di Sarro (“Predator”), Craig Barnett (“Deep Blue Sea,” “Congo”), David Eland (“Cellular”), Mike Sasgen (“Torque,” “Demolition Man”), Timothy Vierra (“Small Soldiers”), Michael Tice (“Toys,” “Jaws: The Revenge”), and many, many others.

The visual effects team for “Speed 2” included numerous members of Industrial Light and Magic and Rhythm and Hues, two highly acclaimed effects studios. The film’s team thus had common elements with such productions as “Minority Report,” “Congo,” “Small Soldiers,” “Hudson Hawk,” “Titanic,” “Avatar,” “Pacific Rim,” “The Golden Child,” “Antz,” “Shrek,” “Deep Blue Sea,” and “Star Wars: Episode I.”

Aside from Jan De Bont, the other producers for “Speed 2” were Mark Gordon (“League of Extraordinary Gentlemen,” “Speed”), Steve Perry (“True Romance,” “Road House”), Michael Peyser (“Hackers”), and Glenn Salloum (“Twister,” “SLC Punk”), who was also De Bont’s longtime assistant.

The three art directors for “Speed 2” were William Ladd Skinner (“Rocky IV,” “Heaven’s Gate,” “1941,” “Rollerball”), Daniel Ross (“Casino,” “Jingle All The Way”), and Dan Olexiewicz (“American History X”).

Astoundingly, due to the amount of shooting necessary for “Speed 2”, the production necessitated a first assistant director, a second unit director, a first assistant director for the second unit, a second assistant director, a second assistant director for the second unit, and two second second assistant directors. Try listing all of those credits three times fast.

The cast of “Speed 2” is headlined by Sandra Bullock (“The Net,” “Demolition Man”), Willem DaFoe (“Shadow of the Vampire,” “Mississippi Burning”), Jason Patric (“Sleepers,” “The Lost Boys”), Temuera Morrison (“Star Wars: Episode II,” “Green Lantern”), Bo Svenson (“Walking Tall Part II”), and Brian McCardie (“Filth,” “Rob Roy”).

The story of “Speed 2” picks up with Sandra Bullock’s character a number of months after the events of “Speed.” Keanu Reeves is long gone, and she is well into a new relationship. The new boyfriend, in an attempt to propose to her, decides to surprise her with a cruise vacation. Unfortunately, their ship is highjacked, and it is up to the couple to save the passengers from a raging computer genius with an axe to grind with the cruise line company.

Keanu Reeves was initially supposed to return and reprise his role from “Speed,” and the screenplay was written with that in mind. However, he turned it down, choosing specifically to not do another action movie. Bafflingly, there were almost no changes to the script after he declined, making the central romantic plot thoroughly confusing throughout the film.

Keanu’s departure also meant that the production was thrown into a bit of a casting pickle. Before Jason Patric was settled on, Matthew McConaughey, Jon Bon Jovi, and Christian Slater were all apparently considered for the lead role.

One of the key differences between “Speed” and “Speed 2” is the amount of attempted humor, which is apparently something that Jan De Bont specifically pushed for to differentiate the film from “Speed.”

The dramatic finale sequence, in which the cruise ship runs aground through a coastal town, reportedly cost $25 million on its own, making it the most expensive stunt in history at the time. The entire town was built from scratch, and the entire front of the ship portrayed was real (it was run on an underwater rail), with only the back half being filled in with computer generation for the sequence.

Sandra Bullock has gone on record as saying that “Speed 2” is “the biggest piece of crap ever made,” a claim that many critics and audiences might agree with. The reception for “Speed 2” was incredibly poor, earning Rotten Tomatoes scores of 3% (critics) and 16% (audience), along with an IMDb rating of 3.7. However, Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel both surprisingly gave the film positive reviews, going against the popular grain.

The budget for “Speed 2” was an outlandish (for the time) estimated $160 million. Through its theatrical run, it managed to pull in a tiny profit, grossing $164 million total. Interestingly, over 70% of the total gross came from foreign markets, and it was considered a major disappointment domestically in spit of making some money.

My biggest issue “Speed 2” is that Bullock’s character is immensely unlikable. The problem is primarily due to how much the screenplay tries to use her for comic relief, which she rarely pulls off. Part of that is on Bullock, but most of it is definitely the fault of the writing, which provides awful stilted dialogue throughout the film. That bad writing also negatively effects the relationship chemistry between Patric and Bullock, which the fans of the first movie are mostly already pulling against due to their attachment to Keanu’s character.

Unfortunately for the film, the absence of Keanu Reeves is constantly evident. Jason Patric, shockingly, lacks the same on-screen presence and charisma that Reeves provided, and Keanu isn’t exactly an inspiring figure to start with. If the movie hadn’t been a contractual obligation, Keanu’s decision not to return should have killed it before filming ever started.

“Speed 2” clocks in at roughly 2 hours, much longer than most would be willing to devote to a movie about a boat slowly inching towards a stationary object. The film could clearly have been cut better, and the pacing throughout the finale feels like the team was afraid to cut anything because of how expensive it all was. Frankly, the whole ending sequence seems to drag on indefinitely, with numerous false conclusions that make “Leviathan” look like a masterpiece.

One of the most baffliing aspect of “Speed 2” is how many people supposedly fail to see a gigantic cruise ship bearing down on them. The film features water skiers, sailboats, and pedestrians not noticing the presence and roar of a cruise ship until it is literally feet away from them, which is asking a little much from the audience’s suspension of disbelief. Speaking of which, the unspoken death toll from the events of the film must have been massive, given the number of buildings and watercraft crushed beneath the ship.

Overall, “Speed 2” certainly isn’t a good movie. Ironically, its biggest sin is being too slow, but the writing certainly didn’t do it any favors. The finale is a spectacle I suppose, but one that drags on a little too long for my taste. That said, Willem DaFoe hams his role up immensely, and livens up his segments.

When it comes to making a recommendation on “Speed 2,” I want to leave readers with a quick excerpt from Roger Ebert’s positive review. Despite the film’s flaws, he has a good point here:

Is the movie fun? Yes. Especially when the desperate Bullock breaks into a ship’s supply cabinet and finds a chainsaw, which I imagine all ships carry. And when pleasure boaters somehow fail to see a full-size runaway ocean liner until it is three feet from them. Movies like this embrace goofiness with an almost sensual pleasure. And so, on a warm summer evening, do I.

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Mac And Me

May 18, 2015 Gordon Maples 8 Comments

Mac And Me

Today’s feature is the infamous McDonald’s commercial and “E.T.” knockoff, “Mac And Me.”

“Mac And Me” was written and directed by Stewart Raffill, who is best known for the films “Mannequin: On The Move” and “The Philadelphia Experiment.” The film was also co-written by Steve Feke, who has penned such flick as “When A Stranger Calls” and “Poltergeist III.”

The effects team on “Mac And Me” included Joseph Yanuzzi (“Ghost Dad,” “Saturday the 14th”), Steven James (“Leviathan,” “The Monster Squad”), William Forsche (“Dead Heat,” “Dolls,” “From Beyond”), and Martin Becker (“Suburban Commando”).

The cinematographer for “Mac And Me” was Nick McLean, who also shot movies like “Spaceballs,” “The Goonies,” and “Stroker Ace.”

The score for “Mac And Me” was provided by Alan Silvestri, who has accrued well over 100 composing credits for films including “Van Helsing,” “Super Mario Bros.,” “The Avengers,” “Forrest Gump,” and “Predator 2.”

The editor for “Mac And Me” was Tom Walls, who has cut a handful of movies including “Bachelor Party,” “House Party 3,” and “Surf Ninjas.”

One of the producers on “Mac And Me” was Mark Damon, who was a driving force behind the loathed “It’s Alive” remake, as well as films like “Short Circuit” and “The Lost Boys.” Another producer was R.J. Louis, whose credits include “Vegas Vacation” and “The Karate Kid.”

The cast for “Mac And Me” includes Christine Ebersole (“The Wolf Of Wall Street”), Jonathan Ward (“Steel Magnolias”), Danny Cooksey (“Salute Your Shorts,” “Diff’rent Strokes”) Laura Waterbury (“Better Off Dead…”), Bud Ekins (“The Next Karate Kid”), and George Flower (“Maniac Cop,” “They Live,” “The Fog”). In the background, sharp eyes might spot Jennifer Anniston (“Leprechaun”) in her first on-screen appearance, as well as Andrew Divoff of “Wishmaster” and “Air Force One.”

The story of “Mac And Me” follows a family of alien lifeforms who become stranded on Earth, and have to find a way to escape from evil scientists from NASA who want to experiment on them. As you might expect, they befriend a kind-hearted band of children along the way and become involved in an assortment of shenanigans.

“Mac And Me” has regained a degree of cult notoriety thanks to the Hollywood actor Paul Rudd, who has repeatedly played a specific clip from the movie whenever he has appeared on Conan O’Brien’s late night talk shows.

“Mac And Me” is probably the best known of the many “E.T.” knockoffs that spawned throughout the 1980s, which include other infamous films like “Nukie” and “Pod People.”

The infamous dance scene in “Mac And Me” was filmed in a McDonald’s constructed specifically for filming purposes, and has been used for commercials, films, and training videos.

“Mac And Me” was made with a profit sharing agreement with Ronald McDonald Children’s Charities. Unfortunately, the film was a financial disappointment, failing to make a profit on its estimated $13 million budget, grossing just under $6.5 million in its total theatrical run.

“Mac And Me” won two Golden Raspberries at the 1988 Razzie Awards, but ultimately lost worst feature to “Cocktail” in a competitive year that also featured the much-loathed sequel “Caddyshack II.”

“E.T. and Me” was the initial planning title for the screenplay that became “E.T.,” and was clearly the inspiration for the title of “Mac And Me.”

Apparently, both Kim Basinger and Anjelica Huston declined offers to play the lead role in “Mac And Me,” with Basinger choosing to instead star in “My Stepmother Is An Alien,” another awful alien-themed comedy movie.

The reception for “Mac And Me” was astoundingly poor, and the film currently hold an astounding 0% critics score on Rotten Tomatoes. The audience score is a still-awful 38%, which lands along the same lines as the IMDb rating of 3.4.

One of the most frequent criticisms of “Mac And Me” that I have seen focuses on the flagrant product placement that is inserted throughout the film for companies and products such as McDonald’s, Sears, and Coca-Cola. The presence of product placement is more or less a staple in modern film-making, but “Mac and Me” lacks any degree of subtlety about the practice, placing it in an elite echelon with films like “Foodfight!” and “Torque.” Audiences will tolerate and even embrace a slight degree of product placement, but the more evident it is, the more people are likely to take issue with it. The fact that “Mac And Me” was already obviously a financial rip-off of another movie didn’t exactly give audiences or critics the incentive to be charitable, and people were brutal in their complaints about the excessive advertising in the film. One critic went to far as to refer to the film as “a 99-minute commercial occasionally interrupted by a not-so-good children`s movie.”

It should come as no surprise, but the acting in “Mac And Me” is astoundingly terrible. This is partly due to the fact that so much of the acting load is put on to children, who are prone to be awful actors to begin with. However, the kids in “Mac And Me” struck me as awful even by child acting standards, and are honest difficult to watch and listen to.

The alien designs and effects in “Mac And Me” are frankly awful. “E.T.” wasn’t an attractive alien by any means, but he looks like a work of art next to the rubbery, bizarre appearance of the “Mac And Me” walking nightmare creatures. For a movie like this, the creatures should be a focal point with an immense amount of effort and care dedicated to them. Instead, it looks like the aliens were afterthoughts in “Mac And Me”, and even look worse than b-movie stop motion aliens from films like “Laserblast,” which was released a whole ten years before “Mac And Me” (on what was certainly a lower budget).

“Mac And Me” is, of course, a truly shameless ripoff of “E.T.,” and wasn’t even particularly well timed for a typical ‘mockbuster’ aiming to profit on the coat tails of a big budget success. I just can’t fathom how it took 6 years to get an “E.T.” imitation out into theaters, and why anyone thought it would be a recipe for success after so many years had passed? For comparison, most of today’s ‘mockbusters’ come out around the same time as the DVD release for their target movie, in the hopes that people will confuse it with the hit (such as “Transmorphers” and “Transformers”). At most, the gap between the blockbuster and the mockbuster is a year.

Overall, “Mac And Me” is a visually painful and intellectually dull experience, but it certainly holds a place in film history. The product placement and alien suits almost need to be seen to be believed, and I would consider it a justified “good-bad” classic for the sheer amount of wrong-headedness required on the part of the production and creative teams for “Mac And Me” to ever happen. For fans of bad movies, “Mac And Me” is worth checking out, but the experience isn’t necessarily going to be fun or enjoyable. It is more like required reading.

Water Foul

Water Foul: “Mega Piranha”

May 14, 2015 Gordon Maples 2 Comments

Mega Piranha

Next up in the “Water Foul” spotlight on the worst marine terrors in movie history is one of the lesser monster flicks produced by The Asylum: “Mega Piranha.”

The writer/director for “Mega Piranha” was Eric Forsberg, who has written such fantastic features as “Ghost Shark” and “Snakes On A Train.” He interestingly hasn’t done any directing work since “Mega Piranha,” which released in 2010.

The cinematographer for “Mega Piranha” was Bryan Olinger, who has worked on similarly low-budget flicks like “Area 407” and the “Sherlock Holmes” mockbuster, which is probably my favorite movie from The Asylum due to its ridiculous and bizarre plot, involving dinosaur hallucinations, an “Iron Man” suit, and complicated airships.

The editor on “Mega Piranha” was a guy named Bill Parker, who also cut The Asylum’s mockbuster sequel “Transmorphers: Fall of Man.”

The special effects on “Mega Piranha” were provided by Tom Devlin, who has also provided effects work for movies like “Daredevil,” “Sand Sharks,” “Club Dread,” and “Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead.”

The visual effects team for “Mega Piranha” included Mark Kochinski (“Space Truckers,” “Hellboy,” “Red Planet”), Andrew Harlow (“Cloverfield,” “Children of Dune”), Guenever Goik (“300: Rise of an Empire,” “Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes”), David Carlson (“Wishmaster,” “TRON: Legacy”), Yancy Calzada (“Evil Dead II,” “Demonic Toys”), Kevin Lane (“A Sound of Thunder,” “Avalanche Sharks”), and Scott Wheeler (“3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain,” “Scary Movie 2”).

The producers for “Mega Piranha” included Paul Bales (“Sharknado,” “Atlantic Rim”), Stephen Fiske (“Paranormal Entity”), and two of the co-founders of The Asylum: David Michael Latt (“King of the Ants,” “Santa Claws”) and David Rimawi (“King of the Ants,” “Supercroc”).

The musical score for “Mega Piranha” was composed by Chris Ridenhour, one of the go-to composers for The Asylum. He has also provided the music for the films “Sharknado 2,” “Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies,” “Transmorphers,” “Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus,” and the upcoming “Sharknado 3.”

The cast of “Mega Piranha” is led by Paul Logan (“Days Of Our Lives”), 1980s teen pop star Tiffany, and Barry Williams (“The Brady Bunch”), along with an awful lot of people whom I doubt anyone would recognize.

megapiranha5 — Honestly, I didn’t recognize Tiffany either.

The story of “Mega Piranha” is not all that much different from “Piranha:” genetically enhanced piranha escape from an experimental facility into a central water system, a begin terrorizing the locals. The biggest differences involve the setting (a politically charged Venezuela) and the size of the piranha, which increases exponentially by the day.

“Mega Piranha” was created as a ‘mockbuster’ of “Piranha 3D,” the second remake of the 1970s “Jaws” knockoff “Piranha.” That means that “Mega Piranha” is technically a knockoff of a reboot of a knockoff. In another odd twist, the release of “Piranha 3D” wound up being delayed, so “Mega Piranha” aired before the film made it to theaters. That’s actually a bad thing for a ‘mockbuster,’ because they parasitically depend on the hype and advertising campaigns of the larger film to build an audience.

“Mega Piranha” is one of many monster-themed, CGI-heavy movies created by The Asylum for the Syfy channel, the most famous of which are the “Sharknado” and “Mega Shark” franchises. Rival schlockmasters and fellow Syfy channel contributors New Horizons Pictures (“Sharktopus,” “Dinoshark,” “Carnosaur”) made their own take on a piranha flick in 2012 with the hybrid “Piranhaconda,” directed by Jim Wynorski (“Chopping Mall”) and produced by Roger Corman.

The reception to “Mega Piranha” was, predictably, not good. It currently holds an IMDb rating of 2.4, along with Rotten Tomatoes scores of 8% (critics) and 16% (audience). The movie initially aired on Syfy in April of 2010, to a recorded 2.2 million views.

The CGI in “Mega Piranha” looks awful, to the point that the fish puppets in “Piranha” look far better, and that was in the 1970s. The production couldn’t even convincingly sink a boat with practical effects, or portray a helicopter, or even replicate an alligator head (which you can literally buy in many gas stations). It is honestly pretty pathetic to watch.

Another aspect of “Mega Piranha” that I just didn’t understand was the amount of really extreme color tinting, that struck me as totally unnecessary. It felt like watching “CSI” with the color filter taken to the max, which is an effect that can pretty much only serve to make your movie look awful (assuming you aren’t David Fincher or the Coen brothers).

“Mega Piranha” also inexplicably labels all of the characters when they appear on screen, which would would feel weird in even the cheesiest of action movies. That is the sort of practice that belongs in outdated sitcom introductions, not a horror/monster movie.

One of the strangest part of “Jaws” occurs after the climactic death scene, when the shark dramatically (and confusingly) roars as it sinks to its demise in a cloud of blood. “Mega Piranha,” in perhaps a misguided homage, has it’s monster fish roar constantly throughout the film, to the point that the movie sounds like the masses of lions in “Roar.”

Not to nitpick, but one of the key plot points in “Mega Piranha” is that the fish are reproducing at a rapid rate (roughly every day), and growing exponentially with each generation. As far as I understand math, doesn’t that mean that the species would rapidly burn out? At a certain point, there wouldn’t be enough food to sustain the population in a given area, and the competition would rapidly whittle it down. The short life span, dramatically increasing size, and rapid breeding would just serve to accelerate the process of the species dying out. Sure, people are in danger and it would be best to eliminate them, but the terror would only last a week at most (they explicitly state they will be as big as whales within a few days). Bigger isn’t necessarily better from an evolutionary and biological standpoint, something the movie (and the scientist characters) totally seem to miss. There is a reason we don’t have bus-sized sharks anymore, after all. In fact, the biggest issue facing the characters and the world of the film is probably how the piranha would wreck the ecosystems of the areas they pass through over the course of that week, which is never actually discussed in the film. Piranha of that size and number could wind up killing massive populations of whales in that short period of time, and that would be a serious bummer.

I don’t have to tell you that the dialogue and acting is bad in “Mega Piranha.” We all know those things are bad. If you have seen one movie from “The Asylum,” you have basically seen them all: they all function as variation on a mediocre theme, being played over and over again and again until we tear out our ears or start singing along, or maybe both.

“Mega Piranha” is a sort of movie that I generally find hard to enjoy. Companies like The Asylum and Troma don’t set out to make quality products, and try to pass off their lack of passion and exceptional incompetence with a giggle and a wink. I try to avoid them as a general practice, as earnestly made b-movies and Hollywood flops are just typically more interesting. The Asylum in particular is also very insulated, and tends to use the same crews over and over again, which results in all of their movies looking and feeling very similar. Just take a look at all of the crew credits earlier in this review, and look at how many of those credits are other Asylum flicks. Something that made the 1960s and 1970s Roger Corman movies so interesting is that he brought in fresh, interesting people straight out of film school to make many of his pictures: this resulted in the discoveries of people like Francis Ford Coppola, Martin Scorcese, James Cameron, and countless others. The Asylum doesn’t seem to comprehend that there is value to variety and vision, and instead clusters together like an isolated cult running a sovereign nation of schlock. It isn’t a good look, and they aren’t winning over a lot of new people for it.

If you like awful CGI monsters and the usual products put out by The Asylum, feel free to whistle right along to the tune of “Mega Piranha.” Otherwise, I suggest digging up something else. Even some of the more popular Asylum flicks, like a “Mega Shark” or a “Sharknado,” would be more worth your time than this.

Water Foul

Water Foul: “Piranha”

May 14, 2015 Gordon Maples 16 Comments

Piranha

Next up in “Water Foul” is perhaps the most famous and beloved of the “Jaws” knock-offs: Joe Dante’s “Piranha.”

“Piranha” was directed and co-edited by Joe Dante, who has also been behind “Small Soldiers,” “Gremlins,” “The ‘Burbs,” and “The Howling.” He also runs the popular website “Trailers From Hell,” in which he has filmmakers and effects gurus talk about b-movies while narrating classic trailers.

The writers on “Piranha” were Richard Robinson (“Kingdom of the Spiders”) and John Sayles, who has since received two Academy Award nominations for his screen writing (“Passion Fish” and “Lone Star”). He also wrote a number of other notable horror and sci-fi movies, including “Battle Beyond The Stars,” “Alligator,” and “The Howling,” the last of which was also directed by Joe Dante.

The cinematographer on “Piranha” was Jamie Anderson, who has also shot films like “Small Soldiers,” “Bad Santa,” and “The Girl Next Door.”

The effects team for “Piranha” was headlined by creature designer Phil Tippett, who later worked on “RoboCop,” “RoboCop 2,” “RoboCop 3,” “Howard the Duck,” “Willow,” “Jurassic Park,” “Star Wars: A New Hope,” and “The Golden Child,” and Rob Bottin, who later did special effects on “The Thing,” “Total Recall,” “RoboCop,” “Se7en,” “RoboCop 3,” “Fight Club,” and “The Howling.” The rest of the team included Vincent Prentice (“Roar,” “Heartbeeps,” “Toys”), Jon Berg (“Gremlins,” “Laserblast”), Robert Short (“Chopping Mall,” “Splash,” “1941”), Chris Walas (“Humanoids From The Deep,” “The Fly”), Bill Hedge (“It’s Alive 3,” “Species”), and Peter Kuran (“League of Extraordinary Gentlemen,” “Lake Placid,” “Q”).

The producers for “Piranha” were led, of course, by b-movie king Roger Corman. The others were John Davison (“Grand Theft Auto,” “White Dog,” “RoboCop”), Japanese actress Chako van Leeuwen, and Jeff Schechtman (“Killing Zoe,” “Piranha Part Two: The Spawning”).

“Piranha” was co-edited by Mark Goldblatt, who has since become a proficient editor, cutting such films as “Super Mario Bros.,” “Enter The Ninja,” “Predator 2,” and “Humanoids From The Deep.” He also directed a couple of cult classics in the late 1980s: “Dead Heat” and 1989’s “The Punisher.”

The score for “Piranha” was provided by Pino Donaggio, who also wrote the music for “Carrie” and “The Howling.” He is best known, however, for writing the 1966 hit “You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me.”

The cast for “Piranha” included Bradford Dillman (“The Iceman Cometh”), Heather Menzies (“The Sound of Music”), Kevin McCarthy (“Slipstream,” “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”), Keenan Wynn (“Dr. Strangelove,” “Twilight Zone”), Dick Miller (“Chopping Mall,” “A Bucket Of Blood”), Barbara Steele (“Black Sunday”), Belinda Balaski (“The Howling”), and Paul Bartel (“Eating Raoul,” “Chopping Mall”).

The story of “Piranha” takes place at mysterious, shut down government facility on the edge of a river. After two teenagers disappear in the area, the facility’s water tank is drained into the river in an effort to find the bodies, unknowingly releasing a genetically enhanced species of piranha created by the government into the water system. The rest of the film follows a desperate attempt to kill the murderous fish, and rescue the unknowing townspeople down-river.

“Piranha” was reportedly made for under $700,000, with only $50,000 of it spent on special effects. considering that the piranhas were portrayed by fish puppets on sticks, I suppose that is a pretty believable number.

Peter Fonda was apparently offered the lead role in “Piranha” due to his long-standing relationship with Roger Corman, but he ultimately turned the part down because of the low special effects budget.

Reportedly, the production of “Piranha” was plagued with issues, such as technical problems with the cameras, constant threats to shut down the production for going over budget, and the second unit making amateur mistakes that rendered much of the footage useless.

Universal Studios attempted a lawsuit against the production due to its extreme similarities to “Jaws,” but Steven Spielberg ultimately liked the movie, and apparently convinced the studio to drop it before it went anywhere.

An earlier, unrelated “Piranha” movie was made in 1972 starring William Smith (“Hell Comes To Frogtown”), which apparently doesn’t feature a whole lot of killer piranha action. It’s available on YouTube, but be warned that it has an abysmal 2.7 on IMDb.

The success of “Piranha” led to a number of sequels and remakes, including “Piranha Part Two: The Spawning,” “Piranha (1995),” “Piranha 3D,” and “Piranha 3DD.” The remakes were successful enough to even inspire a 2010 ‘mockbuster’ made by The Asylum: “Mega Piranha,” which, for those keeping track, is a knockoff of a remake of a knockoff of “Jaws.”

Piranhas, much like sharks, have a lot of myths that surround them, which were perpetuated by the “Piranha” film. The popular perception of piranhas as ravenous killing machines in North America apparently traces back to Theodore Roosevelt, who wrote about a school of piranha eating a cow while he was traveling in the Amazon. While piranha are certainly carnivorous, they aren’t a particular danger to humans, and attacks are rare: usually contained to specific conditions where food is scarce for the fish.

The reception of “Piranha” was mixed, though it is certainly regarded as a cult classic today. It currently holds an IMDb rating of 5.9, along with Rotten Tomatoes scores of 72% (critics) and 42% (audience).

It is estimated that “Piranha” managed to gross $16 million in its theatrical run, with a particularly high portion of it ($10 million) coming from international markets.

“Piranha” is undoubtedly a shameless “Jaws” clone, but it is probably the best of the lot of them. Watching it side by side with, say, “Devil Fish,” you can’t help but appreciate the quality of the work here.

A lot of people consider “Piranha” to be a bit of a “Jaws” parody, and I just don’t see it. It has some funny moments, but it is a pretty straight horror/monster movie, and the content is never played for laughs as far as I could tell. Particularly when compared to later Dante films like “Gremlins” and “Gremlins 2,” “Piranha” is about the most true and pure horror movie that the man ever made.

I can’t help but be a bit forgiving about the piranha effects, which are undoubtedly cheesy. That said, they look astounding for the budget, and the shots are similarly constructed and designed after “Jaws,” meaning that the audience doesn’t actually have to see much of them. Considering that, they serve their purposes just fine.

“Piranha” interestingly capitalizes on anti-government sentiments that had grown over the course of the Vietnam era, and makes specific references to biological and chemical warfare that was intended to be used in the conflict. Concerns about nerve gas, agent orange, and other ethically dubious tools of war were (and still are) a serious concern that sits in the back of many minds, and Dante uses that fact as part of the plot. Joe Dante has described the film as working with the concept of “the war comes home,” which may sound a little ridiculous for a movie about killer piranha, but the parallel actually works pretty well for the film.

“Piranha” bogs down a little bit in sections in order to just kill random people and throw extra gore into the mix, which was apparently an edict from Roger Corman, who felt that the film needed as much gore as possible to sell it.

Overall, “Piranha” is not an awful watch. It is fun to see where Joe Dante and the now-prominent effects workers came from, and the quality is pretty excellent for such a low budget flick. Clearly there was lots of crafty work done to make the feature what it is. For fans of b-movies, “Piranha” is absolutely essential. As good-bad watch, there are better options out there for sure. I hear an awful lot of bad things about the sequel, so your eyes peeled for a feature on that one soon.

Misan[trope]y

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Water Foul: “Mega Piranha”

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Water Foul: “Piranha”

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Reviews/Trivia of B-Movies, Bad Movies, and Cult Movies.